


Sometimes I am frightened but I'm ready to learn

by sun_and__stars (ChloeNicole1912)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey has no idea how to process her feelings, TROS who?!?!, also all of my titles will be Celine Dion lyrics from now on, jealous Rey, or her alcohol, she just understands me, theres so much denial in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:20:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25411522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChloeNicole1912/pseuds/sun_and__stars
Summary: Things were great.No really, They were. Why wouldn’t they be? Anyone is Rey’s position would agree that things had worked out perfectly.Except for the horrible feeling in Rey’s gut as she stood at the edge of this stupid party, watching stupid Kaydel laugh at one of stupid Ben Solo’s stupid jokes, causing him to run a big stupid hand through his dark, silky stupid hair.(In which Rey realises she has emotions regarding Ben Solo and has no idea how to handle it. Finn and Poe are also there and not very helpful.)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, rey - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 71





	Sometimes I am frightened but I'm ready to learn

Things were _great._

No really, They were. Why wouldn’t they be? Anyone is Rey’s position would agree that things had worked out _perfectly._

The Resistance had been able to recoup it’s forces following the battle of Crait, the sacrifice of Luke Skywalker acting as a beacon to those who had supported Leia in the last war. In fact, Luke’s sacrifice wasn’t even permanent, as he was still kicking about as a Force ghost, teaching Rey the ways of the Force and critiquing her lightsaber stance on a daily basis. The First Order was able to be crushed, due in no small part to the Supreme Leader finally deciding that maybe he didn’t want to be all powerful, and switching sides, first to feed valuable information about First Order tactics to the Resistance, and then abandoning them all-together during the final battle, to fight side-by-side with Rey as they faced down the remains of the Sith Eternal and their Emperor, who had attempted to use the bond shared between herself and Ben to revive himself. Turns out, being part of a Dyad was actually quite handy and they succeeded in not only killing Palpatine, but sustaining each other through the bond through, even when both were on the brink of death. Ben Solo was able to return home as a hero, Rey found her place in all of this and Poe and Finn got matching jackets to commemorate their joint promotion to General following Leia’s retirement. The Princess had decided she was quite entitled to live a quiet life, now that her son and the galaxy were safe, thank you very much.

So, it was all _perfect._

Except for the horrible feeling in Rey’s gut as she stood at the edge of this stupid party, watching stupid Kaydel laugh at one of stupid Ben Solo’s stupid jokes, causing him to run a big stupid hand through his dark, silky _stupid_ hair.

She had never felt like this before. She wonders if it was a Force thing. It’s probably a Force thing. She should ignore it and ignore him and go and find Finn. Yeah… that seems like a good course of action.

Before she can drag her eyes off of Kaydel and Ben though, the generals manage to find her. She can feel one wrap his arm over her shoulder (defintely Poe, Finn knew better than to come up to her and touch her without warning) and the other place a drink in her hand.

“Rey… loosen up! You look like you’re about to kill someone! This is a PARTAY!” Poe laughs, breath smelling faintly of alcohol, grinning in that lopsided way of his at her. Indeed, they were currently celebrating the end of the war and everyone’s homecoming. Rey knew she should take Poe’s advice and ‘loosen up’ but something is just not _right._ So she just sighs and downs her drink, which was not the correct course of action. Whatever Finn had given her was strong. It burned her through and she’s wheezed, fearing it was going to start coming out of her nose. Finn swears and runs to get some water, while Poe just laughs.

“This is not funny Poe!” Rey managed to cough out. “What was in that?”

“Corellian Whiskey! You’re meant to sip it!”

Rey grumbled, face flushed, both from the whiskey and the embarrassment. She was still very new to the world of alcohol. On Jakku you didn’t drink anything that would dehydrate you, you’d die in the desert heat. Water was scarce enough as it was. The only people she ever saw drink it were the smugglers in Unkar Plutt’s rings, who were just passing though for the night. She herself had tried every little of it since joining the Resistance, what with the war, upholding the legacy of the Jedi and finding out she’s part of a Force Dyad with her then-enemy to distract her. It also didn’t help that Ben had chosen that moment to look up, and give her a concerned look, clearly having heard her splutter.

_“I’m fine.”_ She sent down their bond, another perk of being part of a Dyad. Non-verbal mind communication.

 _“You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to”_ he sent back, his voice, and the evident concern in it, making her insides feel warm and causing her to blush more. _“You can just tell him to stick that whiskey up his-“_

“You know it’s rude to just have a mind conversation when there’s other people here.” Poe’s voice cut through her reverie and now her face was practically glowing at having been caught. “You can just go up and talking to him you know!”

“He’s busy.” Rey grumbled, suddenly becoming very interested in her cup, eyebrows knitting together.

She watched as Poe looked over at Ben, then to Kaydel who was leaning into the former Supreme leader, then back to Rey, with a huge grin on his face.

“Oh… my… Rey are you _jealous?!”_

She clearly didn’t react in the way she intended. She was going for cool indifference, mixed with the idea of her being jealous laughable. Instead, she just made a strange snorting noise and said “NO!” in an unintentionally high pitched squeak and Poe’s grins just grew.

“Oh my god… Oh my God Finn!” He grabbed the other man who had returned with water for Rey and looked very confused as to why her face was the colour of a tomato and glowing brighter by the second. “Finn, Rey is _jealous_ of-“

“I am not jealous!” She hissed, giving Poe a look that should have made him cower. But this was Poe after a few drinks so instead he just carried on grinning, putting his arm around Finn’s shoulders.

“Finn. My man. My Co-General. Our good friend Rey here has a problem. Either, she is totally blind to the fact that our dashing hero Ben Solo is so in love with her he literally switched sides of the war and defeated two Sith lords just to be by her side, OR she is blind to the fact that she is so in love with him that the thought of him talking to Kaydel - who, by the way, is very much more likely to be into you yourself Rey than she is to be flirting with Solo over there- that she’s going to drown her sorrows in Corellian whiskey and spend the night in the corner of the room looking like a grumpy Porg.”

This last comment made her glare harder, but Poe just shrugged “You’re a fearsome Jedi Rey but you can’t escape the fact you are small and adorable.”

Finn blinked and looked between the two.

“I feel like I missed something here. Rey are you finally realising that you’re in love with Ben?”

Rey looked between the two men, attempting an indignant snort. “I am NOT! You know, just because we are a dyad doesn’t mean I have to have feelings for him!”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Rey, most people would look at your situation and realise that even the Force thinks you two should be a thing. You’re literally the only one who can’t see it.”

“I don’t think that way about him! Okay?!? I just-We are close okay?! It’s a Force thing, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

Poe chuckled. “The way you look at him when you think no-one is watching not a Force thing Rey, you’re just straight up horny for Solo. It’s fine, you can admit it, we’re friends! And you’re not the only one! He’s made himself very popular… ladies love his whole tall dark and broody vibe!”

Rey was seeing red. She couldn’t control it. She honed in on the two men and growled “Who. Thinks. That?!”

“Who thinks what?” a deep, sultry and confused voice had joined the fray. She knew it was him, _of course he would have to show up now_ and she wanted to smack the satisfied looked from Finn and Poe’s faces. Instead she took a deep breath, plastered her best attempt at a smile on her face and turned to him, colliding with his broad chest and getting a face full of sweater. Oof.

His hands came to her shoulders to steady her as she took a step back and she had to marvel at how his hands were so big, and how he was so tall and looking at her with those eyes that just bared his soul to her. She was never drinking Corellian Whiskey again. That damned drink had clearly made her lose her senses.

“You should ask Rey.” Poe smirked, eyes twinkling with mirth. “We are very very busy right Finn? We are being called away and YES COMING!” He called, dragging Finn who let out a whine of protest, saying something about “But it was just getting good!”

Ben’s eyes hadn’t left her face. They seemed to be scanning her, concern leaking through their bond.

“Your Force signature went dark, really fast and I worried…”

His hands squeezed her shoulders lightly, before he sighed and let go, the loss of contact leaving Rey feeling bereft somehow.

“I-I’m fine Ben.” She assured him, looking down at the floor, feeling more than a little foolish at her outburst. “Finn and Poe were just… Being Finn and Poe. And they hit a nerve, but I’m sure they didn’t mean it!”

He was still looking at her, his gaze making her feel like she was burning. He had always been able to get highly emotional responses from her without even trying. The part of her that was linked to him just couldn’t be quiet when they were this close. She itched to meet his gaze to reach up and tuck that one stray curl off his forehead, to see if it was as soft as she was imagining…

Apparently she wasn’t the only one who wanted to touch his soft hair and lose themselves in his eyes. She shouldn’t be surprised. He was a Prince, and carried himself with the kind of grace and power that made everyone around him instantly pay attention to him. He’s so smart and powerful andeven she couldn’t deny he was very easy on the eyes… plus it helped that he had the added hint of danger, knowing just what he was capable of should he choose to. She could see why the Resistance women would find him utterly swoon-worthy. He was like a character, straight off of one of the cheesy holo-dramas everyone was so fond of.

There’s no way a man like that would ever consider a literal sand gremlin like herself to be a suitable life partner. She was no-one, a scavenger from a dead end planet. He needed a lady with class and poise, not someone who had only just learned what shampoo was.

Rey swallowed her sigh that had tried to escape and finally looked up at him. Here eyes took in the contours of his face, the beauty makes that speckled his skin and the one lock of hair that had fallen over his forehead…

“Do you want to talk about it?”

The concern in his voice cracked something inside of her, and for a horrible moment she thought she was going to burst into tears.

“I’m fine, really Ben..” she said quietly.

“ _You can’t lie to me.”_

His voice had gone straight to her head sending shivers down her spine. She could feel him tentatively prodding the bond, trying to get some idea of what was bothering her, but she kept a tight lid on her emotions. She couldn’t handle the humiliation and heartbreak of him rejecting her, if he knew why she was upset. Call it denial, Rey just saw herself as being practical. She couldn’t be in love with him. They didn’t have to be in love, just because the Force had joined them.

Finding her walls up, Ben just sighed.

“Rey if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine but you’re clearly upset… would you like to go somewhere quieter and just calm down? I could get you some water, some snacks or- oh god why are you crying what have I said?”

She didn’t even realise those traitorous tears she had been holding in had managed to slip out and were running down her cheeks. She hastily wiped them away with her sleeve, turning from him, not wanting him to se her sniffle. She could hear a feminine voice call out to him, and that shard of ice settled back int her chest.

“You’re being summoned.” she said, a little more harshly than she meant.

She left him, looking bewildered, trying to vanish into the crowd to get away from his stupid party and all the stupid people who wanted the attention of stupid Ben Solo. She needed air. And quiet.

She found herself in the hangar, the sounds of the party fading into the background. This was a good place to hide, to try and sort out her jumbled up thoughts and emotions before she went back and faced everyone with her head held high. She sank down behind some large crates and let the cool metal press against her back, grounding her. She took a deep breathe and tried to clear her mind. Lately, her insecurities had been surfacing more and more. They hadn’t even really existed in Jakku, when there was no-one to compare herself to. But here, surrounded by beautiful, strong, intelligent women, she couldn’t help but feel like she came up utterly short, not just in stature.

Everyone idolised her because of her power in the force. It was a shield she could hide behind, to cover her other failings. She was basically a feral child who had had a great destiny thrust upon her. People like Ben, who came from a great line of heroes, were designed for this. He had fallen from grace and come back so perfectly that everyone was in awe of him. The day he had returned, having destroyed an entire TIE squadron that had been firing on them and foiling Hux’s scheme to snuff out the Resistance, leading them from the jaws of death into a blazing victory on Exegol, everyone had been shocked. Though he had been feeding information to the Resistance, via the Force bond, for months, actually seeing him destroy his own forces and come to their aid had taken some accepting for the Resistance. But Ben is his Mother’s sons and soon enough, people respected his authority and the fear of Kylo Ren had turned into camaraderie with Ben Solo. He was so easy to love, with his dry sense of humour, fierce protectiveness over those he cares for and his intense eyes that just burned through the soul…

It was always his eyes that made her lose her train of thought. She was meant to be focussing on herself, not Ben… but somehow her thoughts always came back to him. She hugged her knees close to her chest. She shouldn’t have been surprised that other women would start to see in him the qualities that made him so attractive to her. But part of her had wished that she wouldn’t have to share him. That the bond between them, that had bridged their minds, would keep him by her side. But she was so foolish to think that. She could never be good enough for him.

She didn’t even notice him sit down, she was so lost in her well of whiskey induced self pity. She hadn’t even drunk that much, why is she like this?

“You’re wrong you know.”

His voice snapped her out of her reverie and she looked up at him, cheeks flushing once more to have been caught at such a vulnerable moment. The dim lights of the hangar cast shadows over his face, but she could tell his was looking at her, with that same intense gaze he always was.

“Wrong about what?” she said quietly, forcing herself to hold his gaze.

“You… you not being good enough. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to pry!” he put his hands up in a ‘it wasn’t me’ gesture.

“Your walls came down and it was like you were shouting the thoughts into my head… But Rey you have got see that you’ve got it all wrong? Surely?! You think I came back here because I’m some great hero? That the people here respect me because of my great deeds and Skywalker blood?”

She shrugged a little, horrified at the fact that her thoughts had been allowed to run rampant.

“Rey the only reason any of this was possible was because of you. You brought me home and you trusted me enough for these guys to not shoot me on sight. You have so much sway here because they can all see that you are a beacon for goodness and Light… We are all in awe of you. Myself especially. Please… don’t put yourself down. It breaks my heart…”

Rey made a low grumbly noise because really, why was everyone, including herself, getting so intense all of a sudden?! She decided her earlier conclusion was correct. Parties are _stupid._

“I agree,” Ben smirked, nudging her with his shoulder, “Parties are stupid. Unless you have the right company. So, how about we go back to that party together and you can have my full, undivided attention, which is clearly what you wanted and could have just asked for by the way, and we can just relax and have fun? Sound good? Or would you like to stay here because if so can you at least let me get some snacks to bring back I’m starving and you’re always hungry-“

Rey laughed, cutting Ben off. For someone with a reputation for being so brooding and stoic she had always found his rambling hilarious. It was just so…Ben. As far from the creature in a mask she had first encountered all that time ago.

“Okay Okay!” She conceded, looping her arm through his and leaning into his warmth. “I’m sorry for being such a grump. I guess i’m just very…”

“Territorial? I wouldn’t expect any less from a scavenger!” Ben smirked, earning himself a most un-jedi like hand gesture from Rey, but even she couldn’t hide her mirth. Something about Ben Solo just always made her feel better. He was always able to chase those fears and anxieties away and set her at ease again.

As the pair headed back to the party, arm in arm and smiling Poe and Finn looked on.

“You owe me 20 credits!” Poe grinned at his co general.

“Hey flyboy, I’m only paying up when I see actual lip-to-lip action. And if that doesn’t happen tonight you owe me double remember?”

“They definitely smooshed mouths, look at that satisfied smile on Solo’s face!”

Finn just grinned. “They’re is no way Rey was giving in that easy. That girl is sooooooo far down the denial hole she’s come back out the other side into Obliviousness Town.”

The Generals continued this argument all night, carefully tagging the two to see where the night would lead. Eventually, with enough alcohol, mood lighting and suggestive eyebrow wags from Poe, Finn was forced to pay up.

Rey decided that she actually quite enjoyed parties. With the right company of course.


End file.
